New Year's Resolutions: time for a fresh start

Happy New Year! I’ve always thought that January is a tricky time for setting new intentions. Dark, cold mornings and shorter days plus the inevitable ‘back to work’ blues at the end of the festive season aren’t really conducive to healthy eating and exercise. I don’t know about you, but at this time of year all I really feel like is curling up under a duvet and eating comfort food!

Perhaps it’s not surprising that 80 per cent of New Year’s Resolutions fail by February. In fact, according to one university study, a tiny 8 per cent of us actually succeed in following through on our New Year goals.

Psychologists suggest a few simple tricks can help. In short:

·         Keep it realistic – Rome wasn’t built in a day. A long list of goals, career and lifestyle changes might look great as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, but in the cold light of day it will just leave you feeling defeated and overwhelmed.

·         Make it specific – the more specific your intention, the more likely you are to follow it. For instance, a commitment to ‘exercise more’ is easy to wriggle out of. Saying ‘I will go to the gym every Monday from 10am til 11am’ is much more likely to bring results.

·         Keep it visible – once you’ve set your specific goal, keep it in front of you so you can check on your progress. This can be as simple as drawing up a ‘to-do list’ with goals you can tick off over time, or you can get creative with journaling or vision boards. Or pin up some motivational phrases around your desk. Anything to act as a reminder of your intention.

·         Make it positive – it sounds obvious, but the more you want to do something, the more likely it is you’ll do it! Even if your resolution involves giving something up, see if you can look at it from a more positive point of view. For instance, instead of ‘I will give up chocolate’, how about ‘I will eat yummy healthy food’. Same intention, different slant!

With all these things in mind, here’s my own list of personal and professional goals for the year ahead…

I will go to bed early and get up early

Developing and maintaining healthy sleeping patterns is my most important resolution of all. As a freelance writer and editor who works from home, it’s easy to get into bad habits, since so long as I get my work done by the deadline, it doesn’t really matter what hours I keep. But consistently going to bed late and getting up late is bad for my body and brain, and leads to working anti-social hours, such as evenings and weekends. I’m much better when my brain is fully wired on a good night’s sleep.

I will stop being my own worst critic

There. I said it. I’ve realised that, creatively and even personally, the thing that stops me achieving everything I am capable of is a crippling fear that it won’t be good enough. However, very few things in life are perfect. It is better to create imperfect things that to be trapped into a cycle of over-perfectionism.

I will finish the projects I start

When it comes to creative or domestic projects I’m a bit like a butterfly, flitting around the exciting flower to flower but never settling on any one thing in particular. Partly this is due to fear of failure (see above) and also, as a working mum everything I do has to be fitted into tiny pockets of time. However, this year I am determined to finish at least one thing I start, and hopefully several, starting with the book of children’s stories I am currently writing.

I will value my time

Time is precious, especially as a working mum with a daughter who is growing up far too quickly! I’ve never been a very organised person, but I need to be, if I am to fit in everything that needs to be done as well as the things I want to do. So less time surfing Facebook and watching cat videos, less time shopping, and more focus. This includes giving myself permission to say ‘no’ to social activities or other commitments.

I will declutter

This has been my resolution for the past few years – to declutter from every area of my life, both materially, mentally and spiritually. I’ve learned that decluttering is a holistic process. Clearing out excess baggage is only effective when coupled with a commitment not to repeat past mistakes. My aim, ultimately, is to create a simpler, more sustainable way of living, which feels more authentic. Watch this space!

So that’s my resolutions – what are yours? Let me know in the comments below! Wishing you a blessed, peaceful and prosperous 2019.

Winter Solstice – the Longest Night

‘Rage, rage against the dying of the light’.

Of course, in his famous poem Dylan Thomas wasn’t speaking about the dark nights of winter but about death, but, in fact, the two aren’t so far removed. Winter represents the literal and metaphorical dying of the world around us. We watch as leaves wither and fall from the trees, catch our breath as the cold, darker nights draw in, and find ourselves longing for the sweet, light relief of spring.

At Christmastime, signs of our rebellion against darkness are all around us. We seek consolation in the commercial frenzy of present-buying, festoon our homes in coloured lights and overindulge in food and alcohol and late-night partying. We kid ourselves that if we do these things, the dark will go away. But it isn’t banished, merely temporarily displaced. For many, Christmas is a time to gather together with friends and family. For others, it’s a lonely time – a reminder of those whose absence leaves a gaping hole in our lives.

For Christians, of course, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. It’s a time of incarnation – the coming of God into the world in the form of a tiny, helpless baby. So the time of darkness and death becomes, paradoxically, a time of light and birth. ‘The people of Darkness,’ says the prophet Isaiah, ‘have seen a great Light’.

There is much darkness is our world at the moment – but also much light. The newspaper headlines scream a world of hatred and division. But while getting in the last-minute shopping today, I saw an elderly couple kiss one another tenderly on the lips, then tease one another gently like new lovers, which perhaps they were. I saw a kind lady chatting to the beggar outside Tesco for a long time and asking him what he’d like her to buy for him and his dog when she went shopping. I stood and watched for a long time as the gulls circled in the sky above me, tucking their wings into the perfect streamlined ‘V’ to ride out the currents. All of these things gave me joy. These things convince me that there is still love and light and hope in the world.

‘in him was life, and the life was the light of humanity. The Light shines in the Darkness, and the Darkness has not overcome it.’ – John 1:1-5

In the days before electric lighting, our ancient forebears would while out the long winter nights huddled around candles and open fires, sharing stories to pass the time. 

Like the winter trees, we shed the leaves of our smiles for a while, to travel down deep to the roots, from whence all inspiration flows. Rather than fighting the darkness, we can learn to embrace this time of quiet and soulful reflection, which prepares us for the busy time ahead when we are ready and shoot and branch our nascent ideas into the world.

Blessed Solstice, Merry Midwinter, Happy Christmas. May you find the source of the Light that lies deep within you. May you nurture it and keep it safe that, like the candle shining in the darkness, when the time is right and the world ready to receive it, it may shine its brightness for all to see.

Image: https://pixabay.com/en/solstice-winter-december-snow-1436685/ public domain picture, CCO creative commons.

Listen with your eyes…

I was walking up the hill on the way back from school. It had been a long working day and I was tired, hot, and anxious to get home. Suddenly, my three-year-old daughter stopped dead in her tracks and pointed, excitedly: “Look, Mummy! A spider!”

“Yes, yes, I see it. Come on now, we need to get home…”

But she stood stock still, and refused to budge, adamant: “Mummy, you’re listening with your ears, but not your eyes!”

I stopped and looked at the tree she was pointing at for the first time, and we both stood and watched, entranced and fascinated, as a spindly-legged spider spun her web before our very eyes. Each miniature gossamer thread grew as we watched, creating a structure of intricate beauty, delicate, yet strong. I’ve no idea how much time passed. I’d already forgotten whatever it was I’d been anxious to get home for. Instead, the two of us stood transfixed, enjoying this special moment together – listening with our eyes.

Mindfulness, at its very simplest, is a simple choice to live life in the moment. Approaching situations mindfully, we can momentarily forget our cares and anxieties and simply enjoy and appreciate the here and now.

A lot of the time we do things without really being conscious of them at all. For instance, how many times have you eaten an entire meal and not really tasted a single mouthful? Or got to the bottom of a cup of coffee without realising you’d drunk it?

We spend much of our time on autopilot – in a way, we have to, otherwise we’d get nothing done. We become expert multi-taskers. It’s not unusual to find me, of an evening, simultaneously cooking a meal, sorting socks into pairs, and editing and article! This is even more the case in today’s multi-connected, multi-wired society. We are all instantly contactable at the click of a button, even in the privacy of our homes. With social media and aps such as Instagram and Facebook, there are always voices to be heard, messages to be checked and responded to, news items and personal matters demanding our immediate attention.

Being connected can be helpful, and even give us a sense of community. The problem is that unless we make a conscious effort to stop occasionally, to switch off and slow down, we risk missing out on life’s richest moments.

There’s an internet photo doing the rounds at the moment, a picture of tourists on board gondolas in Venice, the most beautiful city in the world. It could be the perfect picture-postcard shot, but for one small detail. Every single person in the picture is looking at the screen of their mobile phone. In their eagerness to tell the rest of the world about their amazing experience, they are missing out on the beauty and joy of the moment itself.

Often, if we’re honest, we’re all like that. Here we all are, on this beautiful and amazing planet for, if we’re lucky, 80 or so years, on the journey of our lives – and we’re missing the whole show!

So why not take a moment or two today, just to listen. Listen with your ears, your eyes, your whole self. Because that’s really, in essence, all that Mindfulness is. It’s incredibly simple, when you think of it. But also life changing.

‘The wave makes a sullen sound’ - symbolism and the sea

I live within walking distance of the beach, and the sea is one of the first things I see when I open my curtains. I love that view because it is always changing. Some mornings the sea is flecked with gold and red, at other times the sky is stormy grey, with the thinnest line of sunshine streaking down through the clouds. On a calm night, when the moon is full, the surface of the water looks like silk. At other times, it’s wild and choppy and I fall asleep to the sound of a distant foghorn blaring its ghostly warning to passing ships.

Since I’ve been living here, the sea has entered my subconscious like an unseen presence. Mermaids, seal wives and selkies sail through my stories. Even the poems I’ve intended to be about other things often feature the sea or water as a metaphor. It’s as if it has become part of me.

The sea, of course, is full of symbolism. At its primordial mythological level, the sea represents the watery chaos that existed before the world was formed. The first book of the Bible describes ‘formless depths’ – the Hebrew word is ‘tehom’, from which the chaos monster Tiamat also takes root.

Water is death

If water represents chaos, it is also a harbinger of death. I was born in Southampton and most of my ancestors were sailors. From my nan’s tiny cottage (now long-since demolished) overlooking the busy docks, sons, uncles and brothers would depart, often for years, with no guarantee of return. Along the walls of every major port are plaques commemorating the names of those whom the sea has claimed as her own.

Water is life

Paradoxically, water is also the stuff of life. Millenia ago, our ancestors crawled from the sea onto dry land. We are 65 per cent water and need water to survive. The human body can go 30 to 40 days without food but only two to three days without liquid.

Flux and flow

In mythology, water is often depicted as feminine. The pagan symbol for women resembles a chalice cup. She represents the ebb and flow of female intuition and emotion, drawn by the monthly cycle of the moon. She is also the element of imagination, of high adventure and fairytale. Perhaps this is why, when faced with the sea, my first inclination is to sing.

Water is the element of emotion, our tears spilling through from soul to reality, the expression of love, or loss, of great joy or unspeakable pain. When words will not do, our tears speak.

Tears have healing powers

A woman who was a sinner poured precious oil over the feet of Jesus with perfume and wiped them away with her tears, and found herself forgiven.  Like the ocean, tears are salt water. Our tears, when we cry, contain a chemical called ‘lysozyme’, which washes away bacteria and prevents infection. After crying, our breathing and heart rate decrease, and we enter into a calmer emotional state. Crying releases stress hormones and other toxins and stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer.

Water transforms

Almost all religions use water in their purification rituals, to symbolise cleansing, both inward and outward. When we are cleansed, we are transformed and made ready to encounter the divine. To enter the waters is a metaphorical drowning, a little death, a baptism, a rebirth. In fairytale, water is liminal, having the power to cross over worlds. Humans discover new lands and dream of adventure on distant shores; mermaids lose their tails on the sands to become recast as wretched human lovers; seals shed their coats to dance naked and free in the moonlight.

Water transcends

The tongues of the waves sculpt new landscapes, carve out rocks, transform our hard and brittle edges to soft sand. So water is at the same time destructive and constructive, building up and knocking down. The clamour of waves upon the beach calls us to greater depths – of emotion, of feeling, of spirit. The salt of the water, which echoes our own tears, invites response.

Water never stands still

Like water we are in a constant state of creative flux and flow. Ideas and energy pour through us, are born and reborn through words, paints and sounds. Like the waves, we are constantly pulled this way and that, never settling nor stopping. There are hidden depths beneath – places in which, if nurtured, beautiful things might live and grow, pearls of great price caught beneath the weeds. It is our job, as creators, to dive deep and dig them out, to polish them up as best we can, and hold them to the light for everyone to see. 

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

http://www.africanwater.org/religion.htm

Overcoming writer’s block - mindful tips to boost your creativity

Have you heard the one about the writer who sat down to write a piece about how to overcome writer’s block but had to give up because she couldn’t think of anything to say?

I’m guessing we’ve all been there. One minute, the ideas are coming so thick and fast that you can barely get them all out on the paper. The next, you find yourself staring at a blank page, wondering if you are really cut out for all this ‘being a writer’ lark?

The problem about so-called writer’s block is that it’s almost impossible to define. Some writers question whether it really exists at all? But as someone who has spent far too many hours staring at the blank pages of an existential crisis, all I can say that it’s all too real to me!

I thought of writing a series of friendly bullet points about how to overcome writer’s block, but it seemed somehow, too simplistic a response to a complex problem. So here’s the best I could come up with…

It’s not writer’s block, it’s a thinker’s block

One of my favourite quotes about writer’s block is from John Rogers: ‘You can’t think yourself out of a writer’s block, but you can write your way out of a thinker’s block.’ Writing is difficult. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. But giving up was never in my nature. We’re in it for the long haul, right? Most of the time when I struggle to write, it’s either because I’m tired, or lacking in confidence, or need to spend more time planning. All of these are problems that can be fixed. If all else fails, put down the pen (or iPad or mobile), take a break, have a coffee or two, or even an early night…and then start again. And again. And again, until it works.

Go easy on yourself

The thing about the creative process is that it doesn’t happen all at once, or even predictably. Usually, I begin in a blaze of enthusiasm, with a great idea, start writing it down…and then it tails off. Perhaps I haven’t planned far enough ahead, or maybe the critical editing part of my brain takes over. But sometimes ideas just need some more time to germinate. On a couple of occasions, it has taken me over a year to write a poem! So if it doesn’t happen all at once, don’t worry. Take a break, have a bath, get out into nature, feed the pigeons (for some reason, I always find feeding pigeons inspiring) and come back to it later, once your creative seed has had a chance to take root.

Switch off your inner critic

You know the one. You’re midway through writing something and all of a sudden you hear a voice inside your head telling you ‘This is no good; that’s rubbish; who would want to read that?’ or ‘Call yourself a writer? Why don’t you get a proper job?’ One of my favourite books, a children’s book by Laurie Fisher Huck called Magic Happens Inside of You refers to our inner critic as the Yackety Yak. Every time I hear mine, I imagine a big, hairy yak spouting lots of nonsense, and the image is so funny I find it hard to take it seriously any more. I also remind myself that no author ever wrote a perfect first draft, and that even a rubbish first draft is better than writing no words at all. And I carry on.

Create a habit

I know, I know, routine and habit aren’t the most exciting of things, but creating a good writing routine can help overcome those feelings of panic and not knowing how to start. A lot of writers swear by getting up at five or six in the morning and getting all your writing done before lunch (my good friend Rita has written two excellent books that way). That wouldn’t work for a night owl like me, so choose a routine that fits your lifestyle. I tend to write in the day while my daughter is at school, and then pick up any loose threads in the evening. Others find time at the weekend. Pick a time and stick with it. Writing is like training for a marathon. The more you do, the better you’ll get at it – and the easier and more natural it becomes.

Silence can be golden

Is your brain constantly crammed full of thoughts, worries, fears and ideas? Modern life is crazy busy! It’s not unusual to find me simultaneously writing a poem, cooking the dinner and sorting the washing – all the while trying to respond to my daughter’s constant demands for cheese strings, gluepots or cuddles! Our minds are stuffed to bursting. Did you know, the average person has around 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day?! With all that going on, it’s no wonder that sometimes our creative flow gets dammed out by all the debris blocking our minds! So stop…look…listen to the sounds around you. Take some time out. Even if you don’t practice daily meditation (and by the way, I’d highly recommend it) you can benefit by getting out into nature and spending time just ‘being’.

If all else fails…just keep writing

It’s simple, really. If you are struggling to find the right words, just write any words. Internationally acclaimed author Maya Angelou described her writing process like this: ‘What I try to do is write. I may write for two weeks ‘The cat sat on the mat, that is that, not a rat. And it might be just the most boring and awful stuff. But I try. When I’m writing, I write. And then it’s as if the muse is convinced that I’m serious and says ‘Okay. Okay, I’ll come.”

Do you suffer from writer’s block? What tried and tested methods do you have for overcoming it? Share your ideas and experiences in the comments below.

The Principle of Flow – How being untidy taught me a valuable lesson

I’ve been very busy this week, having a big clearout. One of the perils of living in a small house and being a parent is the sheer amount of clutter that accumulates very quickly! I must admit, I’m a bit of a magpie, with an eye for a bargain and a trawler of charity shops, which definitely doesn’t help! In the past, I’ve also been quite a hoarder, which is something I’ve had to work on. 

I’ve read books on minimalism and come to the conclusion that it’s only possible if you eat out, create nothing, have no partner and no kids! But while I’m probably never going to be a minimalist (my book collection alone sees to that!), I am slowly improving.

One of the things I’ve found really helpful in getting rid of unnecessary stuff is a secret I’d like to share with you. I call it the Principle of Flow.

Simply put, everything around us is in a constant state of flux. We like to think of time as linear, but it isn’t, it’s cyclical. There’s a reason why clocks have round faces, not square ones. It’s human nature to want to hold onto things, but that’s not the way the world is. Every day I’m getting older, my life is changing. Nothing ever stays still.

Our possessions are there to serve us. The purpose of books is to be read. The purpose of a lovely coat is to be worn. But if my books are sitting on the shelf no longer being read, they have lost their sense of purpose and become a dry, dead thing. 

If my coat is hanging in my wardrobe never to be worn, it might just as well not exist. Once my things have lost their sense of purpose, it’s time for them to move on, and serve somebody else. No matter how much I once loved them, I have cut off their flow.

At this time of year, parents are waving goodbye to their children at school gates or watching their bigger children take their first steps into adulthood as they leave home and go to university. Such partings are painful. It’s something, if I’m honest, I’m dreading. Yet, even now, I’m already preparing my daughter for greater independence, teaching her the skills she will need to survive without me. I wouldn’t be a good parent if I didn’t.

As creators, we’re an essential part of the flow. Ideas come to us, sometimes with a whisper, sometimes with a shout, and we have to make them live – on paper, on screens, or on canvas. If we refuse to do so, perhaps through fear of not getting it right or worrying about how others might respond, we kill off the idea at source. 

Once I’ve turned the idea into something concrete, I then have to set it free, to let it make its own way in the world, independently of myself. The execution of the idea was mine, and mine alone, but the spark that provoked it exists outside of me, and will go on beyond me. That’s part of the cycle of life. As creative people, we get our sparks out there into the world, and if we’ve done our job, they spread and light a fire of their own.

It’s part of us, too. We’re born, we live, if we’re lucky, eighty or ninety years or so, but ultimately we die. We don’t get to take our possessions or our ideas with us. They were never really ours in the first place. But the sparks we leave behind – the words, the memories, the seeds we’ve sown and the love we’re shown – those things live on, grow, and multiply in the lives of others. 

Those things are eternal.

What’s holding you back? – Ditch the pebble in your shoe

I promised I would tell you about the 10 Days Writing Challenge for Conscious Leaders run by Tara Nicholle-Nelson http://www.taranicholle.com/writingchallenge/. It’s been such a whirlwind couple of weeks that this is the first proper chance I’ve had to sit and write this. But, a promise is a promise, so here goes…

The idea of the Challenge is simple: you are sent a series of daily prompts, which you then use as a basis for writing 30 minutes a day, for ten days.

I expected the prompts to be challenging, uplifting and thought-provoking. What I didn’t expect is what happened next.

A lot of the prompts were focused around the idea of creating a better vision for yourself. For the first day’s challenge, we had to create inventive titles for ourselves, using descriptions that fitted what we like to do and how we liked to be seen. I enjoyed that one. On Day 5, we were asked to write as if we were speaking to a younger version of ourselves. To my surprise, my ‘inner child’ turned out to be a disaffected teenager who was disappointed in me:

‘It could've been so different,’ she said, ‘You had so much enthusiasm, so much potential. Where did it all go wrong?’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘I should've listened. Real life got in the way...’

‘It’s not too late,’ she said, ‘Come here’.
She offered me her hand. I don't know why, but I took it. She walked back over to the dustbins. She sat on one, I sat on the other. Swinging our legs. Writing.
‘See,’ she said, ‘It’s not so difficult. Not once you begin...’
I turned to reply, but there was nobody next to me, only a small indent on top of the dustbin lid, where she had been sitting. Her notepad was gone too, but mine was filled with strange, unfamiliar words. I went on writing and writing. I haven’t stopped.'

But the biggest surprise came on, I think, Day 3, the title of which was ‘Breakthrough’. We were invited to write about any limiting beliefs or toxic messages we had absorbed through others which was keeping us from fulfilling our true potential. I sat down still and silent for about fifteen minutes, let my mind drift…and then it all came flooding out.

Back when I was on maternity leave, I was made redundant. Losing my job with a young baby to support was bad enough, but the manner in which it was done was deeply humiliating. As part of the rationale for ‘letting me go’, my boss had put together, in my absence and with no consultation, a document assessing my abilities. Despite having an unblemished track record and having been nominated for a national award, under the column headlined ‘Future Potential’ were the words…13 per cent.

I challenged the decision, but got nowhere and in the end, I settled for a small redundancy payout and enjoyed the chance to spend as much time as possible with my beautiful daughter. One day, when I was at the bank negotiating an overdraft, the woman cashier asked if I worked. When I told her I’d lost my job when my baby was born, she scowled at me and said ‘Oh, you’ll never work again, then’. I went home in tears, feeling an abject failure.

As soon as my daughter was at school full-time, I began freelance writing and editing. I had a steady trickle of work, and I honestly thought I had put everything behind me. But when I started on the writing prompt, out it all came….

Thirteen per cent. That figure. Somehow, in the back of my mind, that total had become lodged, like a stone in my shoe I couldn’t get out. So I looked at it. I took it out. I examined it some more.

I thought about how ridiculous it was that I’d carried that stone – for almost a decade – and allowed it to grow and grow and fester until it had molded itself to my sub-conscious. I had actually started to believe that I was worthless, that I would never do well again.

And then I thought about how ridiculous it was. How on earth could anybody put a figure on another person’s potential?!  I thought about my beautiful daughter, the moment I first saw her newborn face and perfect tiny fingers and fingernails, and of all the amazing potential she held within her – a whole life’s worth! I thought of how each one of us is a miracle of infinite potential. I realized that this number that had been limiting me for so long was just that - nothing but a random number on a page – and bore no resemblance to who I was as a person. And I made the conscious decision to throw it away.

Since then, something rather magical has happened. I have stopped saying ‘no’ to projects just because I thought I wasn’t worthy of them. I have stopped thinking of myself as a failure, limited by past hurts or disappointments. I have started valuing myself, and in the process, properly valuing other people (because they have unlimited potential too!) And the work has come flooding in – so much that I can barely keep on top of it!

I had heard of the power of positive attraction before, but I’d never really realised that my own self-doubt was the very thing that was holding me back. Once I had plucked that painful stone from my sub-conscious…I found I was able to dance!

So my message to others reading this and perhaps holding onto past hurts or feelings of disappointment or failure is this…don’t let others limit your potential. Don’t let others put a percentage on your abilities, because you have within you all the resources you need to do whatever you dream. 

Wishing you peace and blessings, always x